I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
