I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
