If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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