Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize