oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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