I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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