I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
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