Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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