Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
