didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
