party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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