There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
