I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I need to align my fucking chakras
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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