You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
