I can text with my tongue
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
