Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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