i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We just shotgunned beers for America
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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