Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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