can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
