So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize