He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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