Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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