youre lurking in front of me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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