i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
