I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
