you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
