never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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