I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
this will be a night to untag.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
