FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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