I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
