My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
