White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
