I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
