I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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