I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Randomize
