On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
