He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I've blown a few things in my day
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
