the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Never joke about your clitoris.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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