Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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