i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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