She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
