Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
