apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
