oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
