Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
