She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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