just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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