god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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