hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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