Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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