my phone needs a breathalizer
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
