no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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