i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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