I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
