I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
