never play flip cup with pint glasses
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
