My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
