theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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