Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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