don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she smelled like a LAN party
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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