we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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