so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I think my vagina is haunted
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
