his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
As shirtless as possible
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
