News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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