are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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