I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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