i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize