He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We left the knife in your bed.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
