i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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